The Confusion Theory

When I was younger, watching an Indiana Jones movie meant being taken for an exhilarating thrill ride.  As an impressionable kid with very little to do and even fewer brain cells, I even heavily considered doing whatever it is he does for a living when I grow up, and still remember to shower every now and then.

So I wanted nothing less with the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull. Especially since we have state of the art CGI now. Despite the mixed reviews, I was ready to be blown away.

All these expectations had nowhere to go. Forget about thrill rides, the movie is more like Epcot Center (which, I will stress for the 100th time, is hell on earth). I don’t mind the fact that Harrison Ford is older and lost a bit of the mojo, or that Shia LaBeouf, despite the fact that he is a decent actor, is not very believable as Fonzie. Even Cate Blanchett didn’t seem comfortable in her role as a communist Edna Mode.

What I hated was the fact that many times, suspense built up and then it led nowhere.  The script was the worst of all, the dialogues belong to a 1992 B movie starring Dolph Lundgren, not the legendary Indiana Jones!

To make this experience even more cringe worthy, at the end of it, Indy just had to say the line “Their knowledge is their treasure” 

which made me want to VOMIT! This is not Indy Jones! Indy is supposed to be a manly movie! Adventures lacking in fluffy moments, which is how we like and remember it! if I wanted fluff, I would have sit through the chinese water torture adapted from a Nicholas Sparks book.

I felt like peeing in the middle of the movie, it wasn’t urgent or anything, and i usually risk bladder infection and hold until the end of the movie, even if it’s a romantic comedy. But I couldn’t be bothered, so I went to the bathroom. That’s how I know a movie is not engaging enough. This method is fool proof until I hit about 40 and I have to have a surgery for it.